Friday, November 16, 2012

Breakfast of Champions

Yes, the universe doles out its punishments for all of us eventually. Unfortunately, celestial due process is a pain in the ass. Finally, Hostess is no more. The Ding Dongs that I consumed as a young, prepubescent child will destroy no more lives.

Allow me to take you back to a time when all types processed food was consumed merrily in plentiful amounts without any consideration for consequences.  It was the early 80's and Lil Jason, or more truthfully, Big Jay as I was called in my neighborhood - because there were three Jasons on my street (Jason was a popular name in the early 70's) - was FAT, FAT, FAT.  As I tell people, every class has a fat kid and that kid was me.

I was a skinny boy until about the fifth grade and continued to balloon throughout junior high and peaked in the eighth grade. Yes, right about the time when young boys and girls start to figure out the meaning physical attraction and sexual desire, I was a hideous beast. Sadly, because these formative years were so detrimental to my psyche, I have always seen myself as that fat kid. And all the girls I had crushes on who stepped on my chubby heart STILL haunt my dreams.

Note: I lost a ton of weight in high school and eventually became quite the looker heading into college, thank God. However, my self-esteem never fully recovered from those torturous fat years.  I know what life is like for overweight people and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

My point: Ding Dongs are to blame! Those delicious motherfuckers. My mom (who I'll blame later in life) always had Ding Dongs stocked in our kitchen. And Big Jay knew his way around a Ding Dong like Yoda pulling X-Wings out of a swamps in Dagobah.

Hostess announced it is closing today. Finally, under all that weight of bad fat boy karma, the manufacturers of heart ache and pain will cease to exist. Burn in Hell, Hostess.

Which reminds me - I have a coupon for some free chocolate covered Donettes I need to use!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Music Appreciation: Ke$ha

It's a surprise edition of Music Appreciation.  Here's a wonderfully heartfelt and touching version of Bob Dylan's "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right," by that seemingly dirty chick you secretly want to make out with.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Safety Last

I was just issued a special lanyard here at the hospital specially designed to break away in three places for better protection from being choked to death. Perk! I won't dwell too much on the fact that the lanyard I've been wearing for the last few months was a ticking time bomb just waiting for someone to use it to murder me.

Asshole of the Week

This has been an interesting week regarding social media and the disappearance of the inhibitions of assholes.  Here's some truth: President Obama is not a Muslim and not allowing gay people to marry is a violation of their constitutional rights.  Ironically, it's the Christians that have brought the most shame on themselves. However, my Facebook wall says differently.  Apparently, according to my conservative "friends," the United States of America died and President Obama is forcing us all to become Muslims. I guess the freedom of religion only pertains to white, heterosexual Christians.  And so I award the Asshole of the Week award to... Christians.  Good luck loving thy neighbors, assholes.  Shame on you.

Sunday, November 4, 2012


If you don't watch Louie the genius of this sketch is wasted on you.