Thursday, April 29, 2010



Traffic does funny things to people.

There I was sitting on 9th St. in downtown DC stuck in traffic when a bus honked at me. In the bus driver's defense, I was blocking the intersection. I shouldn't have been there "blocking the box." I was wrong. I made a mistake. But he pulled up along side me, opened his window and told me I needed to learn how to be more patient. Considering my knee-jerk response to this guy was going to be, "Go fuck yourself," I held my tongue, took a deep breath, and said, "Sir, you have no idea how patient I am." We both laughed.

Then I gave him the finger as I was pulling away.

The moral of the story: Of all the Zip Cars I drive the Toyota Matrix has been one of my favorite so far. It's a very nice car.

Psst. I didn't really give the bus driver the finger. The real moral of the story is don't do what JC did a block the fucking box, asshole.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Leia is looking at me like she's waiting for the punchline to a joke I didn't tell.

Probably she just wants a piece of ham (it's sitting on the counter).

Music Appreciation: Hum

It's nearly complete...

Star Wars
Tim Heidecker
Parks and Recreation
Video games
Fruity Pebbles
Tomato sauce
Old Spice
Chicago Cubs
Blue Raspberry

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Grown Ups

Steve says

We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.

Stephen Hawking

Monday, April 26, 2010

Saul's Meatballs

I'm going through a theological/philosophical metamorphosis. In my recent attempts to find and attend a church I have begun to ask the big questions. Below is an excerpt from an email I sent to Joe Portnoy, the most spiritual man I know:

...I have always considered myself a man of science. Within the last twenty years I have lived my life without a belief system. The only form of faith I knew was faith in Lynette and my love for her. I also thought my faith in my friendships and family were strong enough to replace a faith in something bigger than humanity. But as time slowly crept along my friends sadly fell away. The faith I had invested so much of my strength in had dwindled. My family is still present in my life, but even they have problems and issues that tend to get in the way of what is important in life: Love. Plus, 700 miles is a long distance to be from your family. So within the last ten years it has been me and Lynette, floating on our own little island (with the exception of some new friends we made while living out here on the East Coast and some old friends we manged to hang onto). We're still in love and we still find strength in each other, but it has become increasingly difficult to carry on in this world with a positive attitude when I'm constantly surrounded by negativity and hurtful, uncaring people. I'm tired of being cynical. I'm tired of injustice. And I'm tired of trudging through my days without a community.

Of course, attending a Christian church comes with certain caveats, specifically believing that there is a God and that Jesus Christ is his son born via immaculate conception, and resurrected after his crucifixion. No small potatoes.

...I am still struggling with what can only be called "intellectual barriers." And I am unable to interpret the stories of the Bible as nothing more than folklore and fables. Tools used for teaching lessons. Which isn't a bad thing because the lessons are good. How can a belief system that teaches people to be nice to one another be a bad thing? So I also picked up a few books: The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel and The Reason for God by Timothy Keller. I struggle with believing something simply because someone told me it happened. To believe the eyewitness accounts as told in the Bible we have to believe that those witnesses were telling the truth. I'm still struggling with that. How do I get past that?

I have lived my life as a man of science. If I can't touch it, taste it, smell it, or hear it then it isn't real. I put all my faith in the tangible.

... there was a show on Discovery last night about the Big Bang theory. And I found myself laughing because we (men of science) do the same thing when we're told that a certain math equation proves the existence of something - because unless I have the mathematic ability to understand it or solve the math problem myself I am simply believing that the scientists are being truthful with me. I'm taking their word for it that the Big Bang occurred and that all matter began from nothing and that all the matter in the universe was created in less than three minutes and that the universe is expanding. The questions scientists cannot answer is why it occurred. And what existed before it occurred...

So. Looks like I'm trying to wrap my head around some pretty big meatballs. To be honest, I'm merely searching for wisdom. Regardless of it's validity or accuracy or truthiness, I believe I will become a better man for inquiring.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I'm becoming affected. By the internet. No, not the internet. Facebook. And Twitter. I am slowly discovering that people's opinions bother me. Of course, I'm not saying we all shouldn't have opinions. And I'm not saying the only valid opinion is mine. It's the widespread broadcasting of the opinions that is bothering me. I guess this is what happens when the definition of the word "friend" changes when I'm staring at a screen. And to be honest, the problem isn't other people. It's me. I bite my tongue so often that soon I'll have no tongue left with which to speak.

Monday, April 19, 2010


Trying to figure out why I care about anything other than:

  • Wives
  • Friends
  • Pets
  • Sports
  • Sun
  • Moon
  • Shoes
  • Cereal
  • Electricity
  • Words

Friday, April 16, 2010


I'm not a big fan of the pretzel and usually don't eat them. Unless a bowl of them is placed in front of me and there's no other food option within arm's reach. Then I eat them like I'm in a pretzel eating contest that I have no choice but to win because mobsters have a bunch of money riding on my success and if I don't win something bad will happen to me. And if I lose I'd have to hole up in some crappy motel somewhere and sneak back to my apartment because I forgot my lucky watch - no, wait, that was Pulp Fiction. Sorry. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right: I'm not a big fan of the pretzel.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Real News

Greetings, Citizens.

I have some cousins in Kansas that I am in contact with through Facebook. (Kousins from Kansas.) I haven't actually seen or talked with them in decades. Yesterday one of them posted that they were headed to a Tea Party rally. Shocker: Some poor, white folks from Kansas are teabaggers. My first thought was to respond (attack?) on said Facebook page with some highly charged, witty, sarcastic, Liberal retorts, but I stayed my sword. I had my finger on the trigger - but I couldn't pull it. I spared them my 'socialist' wrath out of pity. Pity!

And that got me to thinkin', my cousins are poor, white, overweight (it needs to be said), Walmart shoppin' hicks. And as much as I love ridiculing this class of Americans (teabaggers, not hicks) I have to admit that this lifestyle (lifestyle?) is where yours truly emerged - like a calf bursting from the juicy birth canal of a pregnant cow - and was raised. I was born and raised a hick. Too far from Chicago to say I'm from Chicago, but close enough to worship at the Church of the Bears. How I escaped (escaped?) no one knows. And by escaped I mean transcended the ignorant, narrow world of what I can only identify as fear of the unknown.

I have a point: I hate playing this game where one label tries to one-up another label. Because let's face it, we have been and always will be labels. Maybe I live in the wrong part of the world to be all self-righteous about this sort of thing. I open the paper every morning and read about the war of words between political parties, I see the bumper stickers, I watch TV. I want to rise above the petty bullshit. How do I do it?

I wish political affiliations were handled like the price of our homes, or our salaries - things you don't fucking talk or ask about. Think about all the other things we could be talking about... I'll make a list!

  • Sex
  • Art
  • Music
  • Baseball
  • Poetry
  • Food
Make these the top stories on your "news network" and I'm there, Chief. Everything else is just boring, yo.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Gears of War 3 Trailer!

Mass Effect 2

Video game update (for my friends who are gamers and those who want to be):

I am currently playing Mass Effect 2. It's been advertised as an RPG, but technically it's an action-adventure game with RPG elements thrown in. And that's why I love it. RPGs tend to get a little too technical for my attention span, but this game - holy cow - it's great.

The setting is space and you play Sheppard, a soldier reconstructed (brought back from the dead) to lead a crew aboard a ship called the Normandy. I'm only a quarter of the way through the game and so far I am still assembling my team, but it has been a blast traveling to different planets and solar systems in search of my crew, each with their own storyline in which you play an integral part convincing them to join you. Think Star Trek, but with excitement and action and creative aliens and environments.

*If your birthday's coming up now's a good time to ask for an Xbox 360 so that you can play this game!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

"_________ needs to see you."

I am terrible at this:

Whenever someone says, "Tell ______ to come see me."

Then ______ gets back to his desk and I completely forget to tell him that ______ needs to see him.

I forget every time. Don't ask me to do this.

Things are Looking Up!

Baseball is back!
Our restroom got new soap dispensers!
My banana was perfect today!
I don't have to wear a jacket to work anymore!
Parks and Rec is on tonight!
I don't have to work tomorrow!
No one has called me Jesse or Justin or Josh in months!
The grass is getting greener every day!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Go Cubs Go (And Nats)

It's a glorious day, Cub fans. Baseball is back. Time to put the brainless, Michael Bay-like sport of football back in the closet for the summer and turn on the radio and kick back with a Budweiser and a day game broadcast from Wrigley Field. I bought a new Cubs hat online and excitedly await its arrival later this week. I'm not going to make any predictions about how the Cubbies will do this year, but I do predict that if I wear my new fitted hat enough this summer my Cubs hat should be broken in nicely come October.

I have made a decision to follow the Nationals more closely this year, too. I'll never let go of my Cub roots, but if I plan on living here for the foreseeable future I should probably embrace the home team. Plus, how could I expect the next generation of Carlocks to be a fan of a team 700 miles away? I'm a fair man. If we ever have kids I will allow he/she/them to be Nationals and/or Redskins fans.

I guess the core of this post is that this is my home now.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Not Slapping Everyone in Sight

The parameters of personal space change depending on the context of the space. But one thing can be stated without doubt: Don't fucking touch me! Jeezus Christ, what IS IT with people?? I know, pointing out the meaningless annoyances of public transportation is so passe. We get it, people suck. Moving on.

But wait, I got more! The check out line in the grocery store... I fucking HULK OUT when the person behind me in line is up my ass. I stand there trying to figure out how many centimeters away that person's nose is from the back of my neck. In protest I slowly lean back and move backwards until I make contact and then I stay there forcing them to either deal with my body on theirs or move back a couple inches. I've been told it's a cultural difference, that in other countries the rules of personal space do not apply to waiting in lines. I don't care. I shop in Alexandria. Virginia. United States of America. Earth.

Calm down, I ain't hating on other cultures. I'm just a little steamed this morning because I made the mistake of getting into an argument with a southern conservative housewife regarding Lady Gaga and how she is or isn't the reason our society is in decay. Said southern conservative housewife made the mistake of bringing God into the discussion. I told her to stay away from Elvis. No I didn't. I took the high road.

Speaking of other cultures, I'm dying for a hot dog. From a hot dog stand. Gonna get one today, dammit.