Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Fireman

I need to move through life slower. Not that I'm an overly hyper individual, or a physically fast person. But my brain seems to over-think and over-anticipate things. I tend to perform daily tasks with my eye on completion as fast as possible. I'm always looking toward the end of a task. The other day I was making coffee in my daily fit of get-everything-done-now hour, which comes when I get James home from daycare and I have to walk the dog, feed the dog, feed James, make coffee and lunch for the next day, and bale the hay. Technically, I have all evening to do these things, but I have it in my head that the sooner I get these things done the more time I have to... what? Do what? What am I rushing for? Where the fuck am I going? As my dad would say, "Where's the fire?"  

I have an anxiety problem. It might be a disorder. Self-diagnosis is so in right now. I also might have Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I reckon our grandparents just called it "a bad temper." I think about it all the time. Even when I'm calm and content. I get upset over really stupid things.

Ironically, I might also be over-thinking this. Funny. Somehow my wife still loves me and I still have a handful of friends who still talk to me. I'm lucky. But, like I said, it hit me when I was making coffee the other day: Slow down. I can slow down. I can drive slower. I can walk slower. I can talk slower. No one cares when I get to where ever I'm going. Either the world waits for me, or it doesn't. Mostly it doesn't, but it has nothing to do with what is going on in my pretty little head.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Salad and The Fashion

I feel different today. Is it happiness? Is it because the Chicago Bears are 3-0? Is it because my loving wife made me a salad for my lunch two days in a row?

Yeah, it's probably the salad. Also, my tie looks great today paired with one of my favorite shirts which is mint colored. Not every man can pull off mint. I can. Swimmingly.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013


I don't own a gun. I probably never will. But that is not an act of protest against gun ownership. I don't own a gun for the same reasons I don't own a python or a table saw or a motorcycle... That shit's dangerous. At least it would be in my house, because I'm not qualified to own those things. What I DO own are violent video games and multiple video game systems to play them on.

Some people in this country would like to think that the mere existence of guns or our right to own them is the cause of violent crimes and mass murders. Other people like to think playing violent video games causes a person to want to go outside and shoot people. Both groups are wrong.

Mental illness is borne from within the brain, sometimes lying dormant until it rears its ugly head. If we knew what triggers mental illness, well, that would be quite the medical breakthrough. Any number of things could trigger any number of behaviors in humans. I can't stand men in sandals. Do I want to kill them? Maybe. Should sandals (for men) be outlawed if I go on a mass male sandal wearing killing spree? Of course not.

That's a silly example, I know. But I'm bothered by our lack of inward focus when it comes to dealing with the fall out of a poor/misguided/delusional decision. And isn't it funny how we conveniently dismiss all the horrendous things that have happened due to the apparent effects of alcohol? The large number of deaths attributed to drunk driving alone should make us question whether or not alcohol consumption is a safe thing.

"Hey, no way! I'm a responsible person! I know how to handle consuming alcohol. I know how to be a safe alcohol drinker." Same goes for gun owners and video gamers. In other words, stop trying to find something to blame and focus on the real problem: Mental illness and our lack of wanting to deal with it.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

The Feral Children


Everything is going to be okay. In my part of the world things appear (for lack of a better phrase) fucked up. We will never truly know why a man chooses to arm himself and shoot innocent, defenseless people in public. There will never be a definitive reason for it. So, stop yourselves now from trying to make sense of it all. Humans are strange animals. We wear pants and eat hamburgers made out of vegetables and put other peoples genitals in our mouths as a sign of affection. We watch television. Lots and lots of television. We lose or minds at the slightest hint of a visible naked breast, but could care less if our children are playing violent video games. We're strange beings. I don't understand most of you. But as long as I'm aware of it and feel comfortable not understanding it I'll be okay.

Life is a mystery. Be weary of the man who claims to know all the answers.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Get off my lawn, Part II

I vaguely saw some commotion among famous authors on Twitter this morning regarding something Jonathan Franzen wrote in The Guardian called "What's Wrong With the Modern World."

Salmon Rushdie said (via Twitter): Dear : and I are fine with Twitter. Enjoy your ivory tower.

Obviously, with those kinds of shots fired from such luminous literary giants I had to investigate, and form an opinion that no one gives a shit about.

First, I found the offending article and attempted to read it. I waded through a few paragraphs of some of the most pompous, snooty bullshit I've ever read before realizing that this is actually just some guy (with the luxury of being a famous author) talking about how technology is bad and that people are stupid for falling for Capitalism's way of attaching the words "hip" and "cool" to products as a way to sell the product. The "product" in question is technology.

Look, we're all entitled to our opinions. But when I become a famous author please remind me not to write an article about how "back in the good old days things were so much more genuine and better," etc. etc. and use references to philosophers as a way to justify my stubborn lack of adaptability. Way to alienate an entire generation, dumbass!

Second, if I hear one more person decry the evils of technology in our modern world I'm gonna run home and bite my pillow! Seriously, Twitter exists. People use it. Get over it. If you don't understand how to use it, try not to mock those that do. What will you complain about next? That Rock and Roll is the work of the Devil? Zzzzzz.

Third, I hate the fact that this guy's opinion is being discussed. Because if he was a nobody like me writing on a blog very few people know about, well, I'd have nothing to write about this morning, would I? I wonder if Mr. Franzen would have even written such a subjective article if he wasn't sure a large number of people would read it. I don't understand why anyone would want to be a Green Bay Packers fan, but I'm not going to waste my time writing a lengthy, elitist article about it. Unless I knew a bunch of Green Bay Packer fans were going to read it... hmmm... I'm on to you, Franzen!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Unconditional Love Versus Roast Chicken

When I roast a chicken that's when my wife really knows how much I love her. That's when she suddenly realizes that the large man standing before her is a monstrous hero always ready and willing to amaze and dazzle her. She likes to be dazzled.