Monday, January 13, 2014

I love this commercial

I saw this while watching Sports! over the weekend. It's dialog taken directly from the wonderful movie Dead Poets Society.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Gov't Sanctioned Nano-robots up in ya!

My left shoulder is aching from the flu shot I received a few days ago. My employer made it mandatory. I'm not sure if they can do that, but I'm choosy when I shop for battles. At least this puncture is literal. A coworker refuses to get a flu shot because he believes it's our government's best way to insert... something. He never really gets specific about what exactly he fears is getting injected to the American peoples bodies. That's some Illuminati shit right there and in case they just flagged this blog because I mentioned their name, I for one welcome our mysterious, faceless overlords.

Maybe someday they'll accidentally inject a strange superpower into me. Or at least a new sense. I want the flu shot reserved for Peyton Manning or Leonardo DiCaprio or Paul McCartney. I'd even settle for a flu shot that allows me to be able to eat pickles. That way I wouldn't have to inspect every hamburger for randomly placed, meal-ruining pickle slices.

I don't like pickles. Wanna fight about it?

Monday, January 6, 2014

New Wears Yarning

This is my obligatory New Years post.

In case you missed it because you were too busy catching up on AMC's hit television show The Walking Dead, or trying to find all the green stars in Nintendo's fantastic video game Super Mario 3D World, it is now the year 2014. Considering this planet has been revolving around the Sun for billions of years, I couldn't care less about arbitrary, man-made calendar labels, but I am looking forward to this fresh new year.

I'm not planning any bachelor parties, or traveling to any weddings, or being launched into space to repair any satellites. This year, I am not your man. This is my 41st year and it's time to unveil my plans for world domination. I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine. I will destroy all obstacles in my path. I will become the boss of you.

You won't see it coming. Suddenly, there you'll be, sitting on your uncomfortable couch watching another rerun of Seth MacFarlane's wildly underrated television show American Dad and the realization will bust into the room like the cops interrupting an awkward sex position your mate talked you into performing. You'll ask yourself, "When did Jason get here?" Or, "When did Jason start kicking ass?" Or, "Honey, I'm leaving you for Jason, because I can no longer resist his awesomeness." Like an asteroid headed for Earth, it's only a matter of time before Michael Bay and Ben Affleck team up to make a movie about me.

Also, I still have all my hair, so I got that going for me, which is nice.