Wednesday, December 31, 2008

United States of Tara

Hey, remember Diablo Cody? She's the stripper-turned-Academy Award winning writer of the movie Juno. For some reason, I fancy this gal. Not sure why. She is cute. But I think it's because she feels "local" to me. Sure, she's from the Chicagoland area and is now a big, fancy Hollywood commodity, but her sense of humor feels... real. Is that the word I'm thinking of?

Or maybe I just like her because she's a friggin' stripper turned Academy Award winning screenwriter. Shit, gotta love that story.

Anyway, she wrote a TV show which is being produced by Pappa Spielberg called United States of Tara and it airs on Showtime on January 19th. BUT you can watch the first episode here! Enter the password "tara."

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I had a thought this morning... I don't know anyone named Seth. Not a single person. I know OF some Seth's that seem pretty cool: McFarlane, Green, that guy from SNL. But personally, nope.

Also, I lament the popularity of Rocky movies through time. The "first one," or Rocky, was on TV last night and it is such a good film. Not a boxing movie, as the sequels would have us think. Sadly, any mention of Rocky to people nowadays conjures up images of Ivan Draco or Mr. T or catchy songs by late-eighties band Survivor. But the original Rocky... beautiful film-making. Go ahead, watch it. The subtleties and nuances are so underrated.

BTW, it DID win an Academy Award for Best Picture and Best Director in 1977. Also, Sylvester Stallone was nominated for a Best Actor Award and Best Screenplay. (Yup, Sly wrote it.) And let's not forget Talia Shire and Burgess Meredith, both legends and both nominated for acting awards that year.

One more thing, if you have a Wii, download the game World of Goo from the Wii Store. You won't be sorry.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Fa La Freezing

A Hanukkah song from My First Earthquake.

A Christmas Miracle; Or, How the Hell did the Bears Win Last Night?!

I'm a Bears fan, but even I know the Bears shouldn't have won last night. I mean, they sucked last night. Against the Packers nonetheless. But somehow, some way, my beloved team managed to send me into Christmas full of hope and cheer. Yes, yes, I know, the chances of them reaching the playoffs are slim - But not impossible! After witnessing last night's game, I think I may actually believe it could happen.

My voice is scratchy this morning from screaming after the Bears blocked a field goal sending the game into overtime. I felt bad for the fans who had to sit in zero-degree weather all night. I guess I'd rather be dealing with a scratchy throat than a frost-bit ass.

Kyle Orton, I still want to beat you with a rolled-up newspaper. I'm no football expert, but you really need to stop throwing the ball to the other team. I'll go ahead and assume you're giving most of your paycheck to the Bears' defense.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas List of Good Things

Let's start the Holiday week off with a list of good things:

The following things are good, not bad:
  • Receiving Christmas cookies in the mail.
  • Swing-top caps on bottles of Grolsh beer.
  • Buying Christmas presents for dogs and/or family pets.
  • Zombie attack preparations.
  • Peet's coffee.
  • Receiving a candy cane from a coworker even though I probably won't eat it.
  • Seeing people's Christmas trees through their windows.
  • Listening to audiobooks in the gym.
  • John Denver and The Muppets A Christmas Together Album
  • Love, in any form, unconditionally and true.
  • Dean Martin singing Christmas songs.
What's on your list?

New Wallace and Gromit Movie!


It's called A Matter of Loaf and Death.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Glory at Sea

This has got to be one of the best movies I have seen this year. It's about 20 minutes long so give yourself ample time to enjoy it.

Glory at Sea

New FotC is online!

The first episode of Flight of the Conchords, Season 2 has been made available to people on the webs:

You kids with your music!

Tie Fighters, too?

Lesson: You know those plans for world domination ain't going so well when the EMPIRE tries to eliminate you.

null - Watch more free videos

Monday, December 15, 2008

Whopper Virgins

We're not happy until we corrupt every nook and cranny of this planet.

I'm a fan of Stacy Peralta (and a bit confused by this choice of film-making... I guess the King made an offer he couldn't refuse). Regardless of what you think of fast food and the cultural baggage associated with it, watching this video is very interesting. Though, I couldn't help but wonder if they also offered cigarettes and hookers to these unsuspecting "virgins." I wonder if the Europeans felt the same way after introducing shoes and small pox to the ingenious people of this new world over 500 years ago.

LINK Whopper Virgins

Amy Poehler Says Goodbye

She's awesome. A huge loss to the show.

When Monday Became Glorious; Or, BJs can save your life!

Monday started as any other Monday would/should start: The alarm came too soon, the ride into the city was dark and cold, and my motivation to be a productive member of The Team appeared significantly low.

As I do, I scanned the internets for interesting and entertaining news, etc., and I came across this headline:

Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women

"Obviously, this must be some sort of joke," I said to myself, chuckling. (Regardless of its validity, I would've posted it on my blog anyway.) But I read the article and I honestly think this is legit.

So I ran to the window and looked down upon the bustling streets of DC... nothing. No ticker-tape, no jubilant hugging, no high fives. Nothing. With this kind of news, men should be running in the streets doing their best to rival the reaction of the nation after victory in Europe was declared in 1945.

Women, I know what you're thinking. Well, I may not know what you're thinking, but I can picture the looks on your faces. Hey, what can I say, it's science. (I wonder if CNN will make a printable version of this article small enough to fit in my wallet.)

In other news, did I tell you about the blowjobs? Oh, right.

LINK to the above mentioned article, in case you missed it.

Update: It was just brought to my attention that blowjobs also cure headaches and help women lose weight. Outstanding!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Bear Down

I know the truth. I'm a realistic person. Rarely will you find me in a delusional state. But last night, while watching the Bears game, I found myself acting (reacting) with such emotional fervor you would've thought it was a playoff game.

Granted, it sort of was: If the Bears want any sort of chance of winning their division they can ill afford to lose any more games. But the reality is even if they do manage to pull a playoff berth out of their frozen, chapped asses they don't stand a chance against some of these contending teams in the NFL.

But there I was, standing, grunting, yelling. (Kyle Orton, I want to thwack you with a rolled up newspaper, dammit.) They won. In overtime. Barely.

You know, in this gigantic world of sports, there are only two teams I care about: Both from Chicago, both turning my hair gray. Technically, I am no longer a resident of the state of Illinois and no longer have any geographic obligations to these two teams. I'm sure the Redskins would welcome me with open arms. And the Nats have a wonderful new ballpark... But my love is unconditional unfortunately. My heart belongs to the Bears and the Cubs. For love, I shall suffer.

And suffer I do. Lynette can testify to that. She does her best to console me.

*Yes, I know it's just a game blah blah blah, but to me the Bears represent home. The Bears represent my childhood. It represents my dad. Every time I get an opportunity to watch the Bears, I get a little of that back.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Give us our bike!

Call The Coach

In light of what I just found out about my long, lost home state of Illinois and it's habit of electing corrupt scumbags into office, LINK, I support the movement to petition for the state to appoint as governor of the Land of Lincoln The Coach.

Sign the petition here.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Thursday, December 4, 2008

God bless America; Or, I love boobies!

Hello, citizens.

I trust you all watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last night on CBS. Yeah, me too. Appropriately, it aired shortly after the classic family-favorite Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

I'll be honest: I enjoyed seeing the women walk around in lingerie. I'll just go ahead and come clean right here, right now: I am a man who likes seeing attractive women nearly naked walk back and forth on a raised platform. I'm not sure I'd pay to see such an event, but I certainly wouldn't avert my eyes. As was the case last night. Truthishly, I really was tuned in to watch Rudolph. Then BAM! Boobies and high-heels!

So there I was watching the models strut their stuff. It was obvious that VS has their own hierarchy of models. I referred to them as the 1st string and 2nd string models. Obviously, Heidi Klum is a 1st stringer. Same with Adrianna Lima. (I only recently learned they had names because the show actually had opening credits displaying the names of the 1st string models. I'm being satirical, of course.)

There is a valuable lesson I learned while watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show: In these difficult economic times, one thing will always be there to comfort us and help guide us through the darkness... Beautiful women walking around in their skivvies.

I'm being serious. If you have a wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend, one thing will always be free and joyous: Gettin' naked and walking around the house, or watching your lover get naked and walk around the house. (If this not your idea of the gift that keeps on giving, then you have deeper problems that need to be addressed in a different post.)

No, really, I'm being serious. It's all about love, people. Or, maybe the true meaning of Christmas. And, no, you don't have to fork out money and buy fancy panties from Victoria's Secret to give your special someone that gift. I'm talking about a true appreciation for the sensual. A love for the affection reserved for the one you love. The best part: it's free.

And THAT is what the wonderful people from Victoria's Secret was trying to teach us last night. Even if you can't afford to put a ham on the table, you can still be thankful for your wife's gorgeous body. Or your husband's musky scent after he comes in from shoveling snow. Or the simple and immortal act of love. Be thankful for what is and has been in front of us the whole time: Beauty in its purest form.

For those of you who are a little slow on the uptake and can't read between my lines, go have sex with someone, preferably your significant other. Duh. Thanks, Victoria's Secret! Until next year, we await your eternal life lessons!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Kids Playing Video Games

There's something creepy about this video. These kids look like any one of them could grow up to be serial killers.

Apple Cult Exposed... On The Simpsons!

Any of this not true? Ok, fine, the Apple headquarters isn't located at the bottom of the sea.

All the King's Horses

Lynette and I were laughing pretty gosh darn hard over this bit. And then the running joke all weekend was... well, let's see if you can figure it out:

Star Wars Vs. Star Trek