Friday, January 20, 2012

TV and the Open Marriage

The news.  We are such morons.  Yes, yes, media today is about as valuable as a half drank can of Coke, but it's not like "the news" all of a sudden got "bad."  As they say, those in power write history.  Perhaps what we're seeing on our televisions and newspapers and computer screens is the power struggle of large corporations fighting to sell the most ad space to the Macy's underwear department or stores where you can turn your gold into cash.  As a liberal Democrat, I cannot fathom how any intelligent American can watch a channel like Fox News and not feel like most of the story was left out.  Can't these Fox watching people see that they are being catered to?  If there was an all-spider channel, guess who'd be their core audience? Arachnophobes! 

I know similar arguments can be made against the "liberal media," whatever that is, but I'm a liberal, so I'll need to have someone point them out to me.  I think somewhere along the line the people in the news room started having orgies with sitcom writers, because nowadays all I see are "reality" shows.  Both in prime time and on "news channels."  Or maybe the definition of news is going through a metamorphosis right before our eyes.  For example, a couple weeks ago Beyonce had a baby.  The buzz about it here at work was so electric and excited you'd think Jesus Christ had materialized and was currently showing people the most amazing card tricks in the break room.  And of course I was missing out.  Which is how I feel most of the time when it comes to television shows.  I can't explain why that guy from The Big Bang Theory keeps winning Emmy's over Bryan Cranston.  Or why we care so dearly about the Kardashians.  (Wait, one of them is kinda pretty? Oh, well then never mind.) 

So I have decided to Make My Own News.  (Not really.)  This rant is over you can move along now.  Hang on... How about that Newt Gingrich asking his wife to share him with the woman he had been having a six year affair with?  Balls as big as Fiats.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Laugh Track

Me: (Pointing at the TV) "Look at how realistic the graphics in this video game  are."
The Mother of my Son: (Pushing a laundry full of baby clothes toward me) "You want realistic? How about folding these?"
Me: "That's a little too realistic."

End scene.

New Year's

By Dana Gioia

Let other mornings honor the miraculous.
Eternity has festivals enough.
This is the feast of our mortality,
The most mundane and human holiday.

On other days we misinterpret time,
Pretending that we live the present moment.
But can this blur, this smudgy in-between,
This tiny fissure where the future drips

Into the past, this flyspeck we call now
Be our true habitat? The present is
The leaky palm of water that we skim
From the swift, silent river slipping by.

The new year always brings us what we want
Simply by bringing us along—to see
A calendar with every day uncrossed,
A field of snow without a single footprint.

Monday, January 9, 2012

The Holy Grail of Loafed Formed Meat

Good news - I think I found the best meatloaf recipe yesterday.  Years and years of searching may have turned up a recipe that fails to disappoint on any level.  I'll make it again in the near future to confirm my conclusion and maybe share the recipe with you. 

Friday, January 6, 2012

Math Night

Have I ever told you about the super happy fun photography club I'm in?  It's called the Math Night Photography Club and we eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast. ("You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?")

If you have a camera and a habit of taking photos of stuff, you're welcome to join.  Photo assignments are handed down from "Becky" every week via email and then submissions are posted in a private web site on Reddit. 

If you want in, first, go to reddit and sign up with your own user name. Then email with your reddit name so you can be given access to our submissions page.  (If you had permission already you'd find it HERE.)

We're a friendly, somewhat anonymous, group of attractive people and if you're cool enough to be reading this blog then you'd probably fit in.  And let's be honest, you have absolutely no reason not to play with us.    

Hot Lava!

There's some strange sorcery occurring underneath our bathroom floor.  Strangely, the tiles are warm.  Very warm.  Like heated.  Sure, it's nice on our bare feet in the middle of winter, but ignoring the reason is bothering me.  With lack of any evidence, I'll go ahead and assume there's hot lava under the floor.  To be safe I'll start moving about the house on furniture and countertops. 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Mystery of The Doo Doo Bandit

Remember that lady I was talking about who erected a full-sized Christmas tree at work in her cubicle?  At first, I was upset because it dethroned me as the quirkiest coworker in the office.  But I'm witnessing a problem, or disadvantage, of being the person who set up a Christmas tree in her cubicle: No one knows her name... and so we've all began to refer to her as Christmas Tree.  "Hey, where are those TPS Reports that were supposed to get faxed last week?"  "Christmas Tree was supposed to do it." 

Meanwhile, it's official:  I work in an office where someone has defecated on the floor.  The 3rd floor was all aflutter yesterday as we collectively heard the news from several witnesses that POO was found on the floor in the kitchen.  Human poo, according to one of the nurses I work with.  Because we love assigning nicknames to people, we've decided to call this person The Doo Doo Bandit. And I made sure everyone knew they were all suspects. 

Seriously though, someone shit in our kitchen.  Maybe Christmas Tree did it. 

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Pew Pew Pew

Here's the thing - I can't really say there was any movie or television show in 2011 (with the exception of Breaking Bad on AMC) that entertained me more than the video game Skyrim is entertaining me right now. 

(NOTE: If you haven't watched Breaking Bad you really are missing out on the most stellar writing and acting the movie/television industry has produced in a very long time.  I'm your friend and I'm begging you to watch Breaking Bad from the beginning.  Bryan Cranston will make you throw away all your notions of what you think good acting is.  And the story is perfection.)

Back to Skyrim: As a gamer, you owe it to yourself to jump into this enormous world.  The alienation of friends and family is a risk you're willing to take. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


I didn't make any Best Of lists for 2011.  To be honest I've been preoccupied with keeping a baby alive to see many movies or listen to much new music this year.  So...

The Best Things to Hold in Your Hand
  1. Pens
  2. Breasts
  3. Forks
  4. Salamanders
  5. Daggers