Friday, May 31, 2013

Confidence, Stupid

I have an idea for a children's book. A good idea. All I need now is an illustrator. Or maybe I don't... Lynette is always telling me she like the way I make drawings. Perhaps I can illustrate this thing myself...

I've spent my entire life with shit for confidence. Where the heck does that come from? I can see my son acting timid sometimes, but it takes him time to warm up to new things. I suppose he gets that from me. Swimming pools start out as pits of hot lava and he cries to save himself from it, but then some time later the kid won't get out of the water for fear of dying like a suffocating fish.

I guess this unsure feeling in us stems from a deep fear of the world. I grew up fearing everything and it saddens me if I think too hard about the experiences I missed out on due to stupid fear.

So, how does one get a children's book published?

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


Get ready, here comes some boasting. I weighed in at 239 lbs this morning. In January, I weighed 266 lbs. I'm about half way to where I want to be, but dang it feels great to see progress.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Lotion and Dessert

The black coffee experiment had results that did not surprise me. Or in other words, I failed. I can't drink black coffee. I'm back to cream and sugar and happiness and joy.

In lotion news, I've been using L'occitane en Provence. If you're a user of lotion in any way, this shit doesn't fuck around. Not only is it effective, I am also addicted to its scent. So Lynette found a L'occitane en Provence store at a fancy, hoity toity mall nearby. My goal is to slather my girl in this wonderful lotion. I also bought some fancy after shave lotion that makes me smell like every man you've ever wanted to have sex with.

I also ate at my first Pinkberry frozen yogurt place and holy shit, people, this stuff is amazing! It's not just a hipster trend. It's delicious. Seek it out.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Sex Coffee

Today I'm taking my coffee black. And I'm having a rough go of it. How the hell do people do this?! Sorry, it's only day one. My taste routine has been changed. Change is the Devil. But then again, I once heard an old adage that you should do one thing every day that scares the shit out of you. I googled how to switch to black coffee and everyone said it takes time. A lot of people also said women are more likely to have sex with a man who takes his coffee black as opposed to the guy who adds cream and sugar. So, I think you know how this will turn out...

Monday, May 20, 2013

RIP Ray Manzerek

Pew! Pew!

Yesterday we bought new chairs for the kitchen and Lynette picked up a few things from Victoria's Secret. Always the pragmatist, I asked her to model both items simultaneously. Know this: Our shopping spree yielded gorgeous results.

We also bought some new wine glasses and fresh mangoes for making sorbet. Seducing my wife is stealing time away from my video games.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Everybody leaves.

Look, man, I know it's just a TV show. I know. I know! But I cried like a kid who's dog just ran away while watching the finale of The Office last night. I don't know why I feel such a connection with that show, but I do. And now it's gone. My heart hurts. As the end neared I started welling up because I knew it was almost over, but it was Andy's line that pierced my soul:

"I wish there was a way to know you're actually in the good ole days before you've actually left them."

Goodbye Office.

Seriously, whoever's cutting onions in here needs to stop!

May Song

by Wendell Berry

For whatever is let go
there's a taker.
The living discovers itself

where no preparation
was made for it,
where its only privilege

is to live if it can.
The window flies from the dark
of the subway mouth

into the sunlight
stained with the green
of the spring weeds

that crowd the improbable
black earth
of the embankment,

their stout leaves
like the tongues and bodies
of a herd, feeding

on the new heat,
drinking at the seepage
of the stones:

the freehold of life,
even in the waste

of those who possess it.
But it is itself the possessor,
we know at last,
seeing it send out weeds
to take back
whatever is left.

Proprietor, pasturing foliage
on the rubble,
making use

of the useless—a beauty
we have less than not

Thursday, May 16, 2013

How to make mango sorbet.

It takes several days to make mango sorbet. It's a drawn out process requiring patience and planning. First, you have to learn how to cut a mango. (Try not to slice off any thumbs.) Next, you have to make sure the tiny ice trolls working in your freezer are well versed in sorbet construction. Then, if you're lucky, oral sex, because there's a lot of waiting and it's not like you can watch your favorite hockey team move forward in the playoffs. Finally, you can eat your delicious concoction and drink wine and get drunk and lose clothes in the kitchen.

Mango sorbet. Easy peasy.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

A Hint of Spring

by James Whitcomb Riley

'Twas but a hint of Spring—for
The atmosphere was sharp and chill
Save where the genial sunshine smote
The shoulders of my overcoat,
And o'er the snow beneath my feet
Laid spectral fences down the street.

My shadow, even, seemed to be
Elate with some new buoyancy,
And bowed and bobbed in my advance
With trippingest extravagance,
And, when the birds chirpt out some-
It seemed to wheel with me and stare.

Above I heard a rasping stir—
And on a roof the carpenter
Was perched, and prodding rusty
From out the choked and dripping
And some one, hammering about,
Was taking all the windows out.

Old scraps of shingles fell before
The noisy mansion's open door;
And wrangling children raked the yard,
And labored much, and laughed as
And fired the burning trash I smelt
And sniffed again—so good I felt!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The Lovers

Love for a lot of people tends to lessen or weaken over time. It's a common occurrence and usually talked about among men and comedians. But I think it can also get stronger over time.

I had a thought this morning that I might be falling in love with Lynette all over again. Not that I wasn't in love with her before, but more like a compounding of love. Layer after layer of each time I fell in love with her, making our bond stronger every time.

It's an exciting time for us. It's definitely Springtime.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Music Appreciation: Bon Iver

Also, this is from a wonderful show hosted by Jools Holland which can be found on the Palladium channel. Check your local listings!

Monday, May 6, 2013

Father Humble

Just when you think it's better to hurt than be hurt, your son dislocates his elbow because you were holding onto his hand and wouldn't let go when he dropped the floor. However, I feel square with God, because I made the decision to go to the emergency room where he received a quick and simple fix.

Life isn't always rainbows and butterflies, am I right? Sometimes we get reminded of how much we suck. Not that we suck all the time, or even most of the time, Just sometimes we suck. We don't mean to suck. Our suckiness is not intentional. But it is what it is. Which is to say, I think more people in this world need to be reminded how much they suck. Not by me though, because I'm a coward. But somebody should tell these people who suck how much they suck.

I'll be the first person to announce how much I suck. Not all the time, mind you, but sometimes I suck as a husband. And sometimes I suck as a dad. It's hard to admit. Harder to commit to this internet blog. But it really is the first step at fixing things that suck. I need to get better at some things.

Here's what I need to fix:

  • Anger management
  • Patience
  • Empathy
  • Premature Ejaculation*

*This one's been fixed due to my recent foray into getting healthy and losing weight, but I wanted to get it on the list so I could check something off the list. 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Sport Pepper

This morning I had to go in to work early because I am needed. It's nice to be needed. Sacrificing sleep for to serve the needs of others is okay. Anyway, it's really too bad more people don't get to experience the pre-dawn hours of the day. It's quite beautiful. When I'm moving about in the cold, dark, early world I feel alone and isolated, but I feel like I'm operating within a secret hour. When I'm up that early I feel like I discovered a secret, hidden door behind the bookcase that leads to delicious hot dogs. Hot dogs made right - straight out of Chicagoland. I would only tell a select few people about this secret door, too. So, remember the next time you see me... Jason might have a wonderful, amazing secret.