Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Welcome Back, Workers

Three-day weekend's over. Get back to work!

The start of summer indeed. I had a glorious weekend. The weather couldn't have been nicer. And we painted the kitchen. Granted, I have to re-do the trim, but over all I'd say it was a success. We're definitely motivated and inspired to paint more of the house.

Saturday night we took Leia over to a friend's house for a bbq. It was her first official field trip considering every other time she's gotten into a car a major life change occurred.

Yesterday we went to the pool. It was the first weekend it was open and we joined what seemed like thousands of other people to take in the frigid water and skin-blistering Sun. My ankles are sunburned. I honestly cannot remember the last time I simply lounged by a swimming pool. The water was uncomfortably frigid, but it'll warm up as the summer progresses. It was truly a very relaxing, peaceful day.

Later, we attended another bbq in the courtyard of our building. I played badmitten. Many jokes we made regarding shuttlecocks.

In the end, quite a successful weekend was had. Aside from the painting, which was pleasantly rewarding, it felt like we went on a three-day vacation. I predict trips to the pool happening every weekend. And more walls getting painted. And my pale torso turning ... less pale.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Best Movie Ever!

Lynette and I saw Indiana Jones today. I think it's the best movie ever made in all of history ever. It was so AWESOME! It's only been a couple hours since I left the theater and I'm ready to go back and see it again.

Obviously, I'm being a bit outrageous about the whole best movie ever thing, but it truly is a blast. I was thoroughly entertained. There were even moments I wanted to stand up and shout, "Yeah!"

8 Types Of Annoying People You’ll Find Inside Starbucks

Which one are you?


Here are 8 types of people you’ll find inside a Starbucks that are guaranteed to annoy the shit out of you.

8. Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large

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I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance there’s a sizeable amount of shit in them due to your inability to grasp the concept of wiping your asshole after defecating.

7. Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office

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Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. “Yeah, I’m gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot…and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?” And he knows if one of these orders is screwed up, it’s going to cost him a chance at the a full-time gig as assistant editor where he can bring coffee to even more important people. So instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You’re better off flying to Columbia, slitting Juan Valdez’s throat and stealing his coffee-harvesting burro.

6. The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer

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Being a writer is a pretty cool occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. And having to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their iMac, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of text (or clear screenplay format for those in Los Angeles). Their next step is to make sure they’re facing away from where everyone goes to pick up their drinks while staring at the screen while remembering to take deep breaths which will indicate to others that deep and creative thought that normal minds are not capable of, is taking place. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people, it’s important you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!

5. Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker

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At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn’t have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Wal-Mart Greeter who also takes your order. But since they don’t pay shit, you end up having some G.E.D.-havin’ dumbass or an excruciatingly-lonely elderly woman force their brand of corporate chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your overpriced chai in peace, you have to deal with: “Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we’re having isn’t it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn’t that be nice? It’s sooooo sunny! And what’s better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Anyway, I’ll get this chai order right up for you. What’s your name? Terry? That’s my cousin’s name! Small world. Yes. It. Is. Small world indeed….Hi! And how are you doing today?!?!”

4. Complicated Order Guy Who Needs his Coffee Right The F*&K Now.

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When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam” and then stand in front of the pick up window and pace like one of Michael Vick’s pitbulls watching Vick pull out the rape stand after losing a fight, you just grab a glass of god damn water and drink that. Last I checked that won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety… unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana.

3. The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day

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Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world’s biggest bore and the world’s biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-shithead. He won’t shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they’re taking over the world and how their coffee totally “doesn’t taste like the gourmet stuff downtown.” But when you bring up the fact that he’s ranting about Starbucks while he’s actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. “Well, here’s the thing, I just didn’t have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? Yeah, it’s one of the last mom and pop coffee shops in the area. I toooootally love that place. It’s so real. I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I mean, the rich get richer, right? That’s the law of the land. I totally can’t stand that I have to come here, but that’s what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you. They’re everywhere. Can you hand me one of those Splenda?”

2. Study Groups

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Hey, screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to go to an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every fucking thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over a frappucino being made. If you could, would you hold a study group session in a Turkish prison? Because Starbucks is basically the same thing, except with less gay sex, and a little bit better coffee.

1. The Person Who Peruses the DVD Section As If They Might Purchase.

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It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase the “Pursuit of Happyness” DVD. “Gee what’s this movie Pursuit of Happyness about? I didn’t hear of it last summer when it grossed over 100 million dollars. Even though I’ve come here for coffee, I should carefully peruse the back cover to find out more about it!” Also, please don’t pick up a copy of “Akeelah and the Bee” as if you were going to buy it. No one buys that movie. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not even a real movie, it was just a box cover created by a group of white Starbucks executives so that customers could hold it in their hands and pretend to read the back, giving the impression to those around them that they’re progressive thinkers who seek out and enjoy films with African American casts.

(Stolen from Wild Taco)

Thursday, May 22, 2008!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Indy!

Don't worry, I got my ticket. I know some of you were concerned about me being to see my old friend Indiana Jones on Thursday, so I'm here to put your mind at ease.

I'm taking Thursday off. I convinced Lynette to do the same. I went online and purchased our tickets to the 12:45 showing of the movie which happens to be the first one.

Some of of you may think that this behavior is a bit odd. Or somewhat obsessive. On the surface, I would agree with you. But Indiana Jones was such a large part of my childhood that I feel like I owe it to him (him?) to make these special arrangements to see the movie on opening day.

I had a Temple of Doom poster in my bedroom. I still own every issue of the failed comic book. I even wrote a letter to Harrison Ford and received an autographed photo from him a few years later.

And... and I bought a fedora and wore it in public with pride. My own personal homage to Indiana Jones.

These next fews days ramping up to the opening has my stomach in knots. This is the first time in a very long time that I've gotten this excited about a movie. I'm truly feeling like a 12 year old again. I told Lynette if only we could go to Pizza Hut afterwards and order a pitcher of pop and drink it out of those red plastic cups and play the table-top Centipede arcade game while we wait for our pizza.

I may shed a tear when John Wiliams' famous Indiana Jones score reaches my ears for the first time in nineteen years...

Monday, May 19, 2008

What is a Friend?

5 Cereals that Rip Apart Your Mouth

5 Cereals that Rip Apart Your Mouth.


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5. Cookie Crisp: Those weren't little chocolate chips, they were mini-dangers aimed at your gums. Thankfully Cookie Crisp dissolved quickly in milk so you could actually chew it with only minor damage. (I think it's been discontinued.)


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4. Kashi Nuggets: What happens when you put "a whole day's worth of whole grains in one bowl"? Your mouth pays the price. I tried this stuff once when if first came out. Never again. If you want to go this route, stick with Kashi Puffs. Your mouth will thank you.


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3. Grape Nuts: Here's an ingenious idea: rock hard pellets that when crunched, tear apart your teeth and cheeks, and make your feel like you've just chewed a mouthful of sand. Ouchlicious! Dentist recommended!


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2. Cracklin' Oat Bran: It's all right there in the title, three words that spell trouble for the your mouth. As a bonus, Crackling Oat Bran will rip your anal cavity apart a few hours after the roof of your mouth.


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1. Cap'n Crunch: By far the winner. Every bite, whether fresh from the box or drowned in milk, went straight for the roof of your mouth and showed no mercy. This cereal is like a cheese grater. After a bowl of Cap'n Crunch you were hurtin', somehow I still went back for more. Blame that on the Captain's excellent sugar rush.


(Stolen from yesbutnobutyes)

Friday, May 16, 2008

Four Good Things

"Mr. Carlock, it's Friday and I'd like to know...

What are 4 good things?"


1. Mario Kart on the Wii - It's a blast! The Wii Wheel is awesome and anyone can pick it up and play.
2. Emerald Barbecue Peanuts (in the green tube) - Every person who tries one of these awesome peanuts pees in their pants a little after eating it because it's THAT good. Don't believe me? Go 'head, try 'em.
3. Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! - It's an absurd show that most of you won't understand, but Lynette and I laugh to tears every time we watch it.
4. Nouvelle Vague's version of Love Will Tear Us Apart - Can this song be done wrong?

Friday, May 9, 2008

Iron Man in the Can!

Have I told you about the mysterious bathroom articles? No?

A few times a week some unknown man leaves an article in the bathroom stall that I frequently use (embrace routine). These articles are printed from the internet and show evidence of being folded up tight enough to fit into a pocket. (I'd be discreet, too... no one wants to watch a guy walk into the bathroom with a folded newspaper under his arm.) Considerately, these articles are always left hanging on the toilet paper dispenser.

Usually, these articles are of the political ilk. Sometimes we get something sports related. Mostly, they're articles I'd never read if I wasn't sitting on the terlet because, well, they're pretty dull. Fortunately, the mysterious article supplier is bipartisan. The political articles seem to cover both parties fairly evenly. And the sports articles must be a fall-back option when there just anything worth reading that day.

But today, oh boy, today we get Iron Man! Yup, that's right, as in Iron Man the movie starring Robert Downey Jr. Albeit, it's a movie review from The New Yorker (zzzzzzzzzz), but still! Iron Man!

And the funny thing about this movie review from The new Yorker is I can't tell if the reviewer liked it or not. I think they did. Why the hell are people going to The New Yorker for movie reviews anyway? Stupid New Yorker. Somebody should supply my stall with better articles...