Monday, February 24, 2014


My life as a big time Hollywood Extra began and ended with one major motion picture. That movie was directed by Harold Ramis. I just found out that he died today. Harold Ramis is dead and it fucking sucks. 

The part about life that I'm not ready for is death. I'm not ready. Whether it's my favorite actors or my mother in law. I don't know how to handle it. I just don't know. Writing a pointless blog post about it is trivial. 

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Life According to Gulp!

Remind to never put almond milk in my coffee again. That's a mistake I won't make twice in my life. Like the time I accidentally thought a little bowl of horseradish was ranch dressing. Or when I failed to put oil in my old Buick. There's something to be said for having your car engine explode while you're driving down an interstate highway in the middle of the night in a time before cell phones. 

I'm glad my son will never know a life without the immediate response a cell phone affords us, or a life without the infinite wealth of knowledge at our fingertips via the internet. But I do wonder where James will attain the proper amount of character that makes a true, good man. 

He will make mistakes, however. And that's an important part of growing up. (I still make plenty, so I guess I'm still growing!) He'll get stranded somewhere. He'll say the wrong thing to a girl. He'll lose something important and never find it. These are the moments in life that make us who we are. 

Technology is good. Convenience is good. Perhaps the next generation's mistake will be much different than mine. I can appreciate that. Heck, almond milk didn't even exist when I was wading my way through my young life. 

Let's recap:

1. Make sure there's oil in your car.
2. Don't ask your girlfriend if it's okay to date a different girl while you're temporarily living on the other side of the country.
3. Don't put almond milk in your coffee.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Sizable and Significant

There's a storm comin.' In this part of the world that means we're doomed to be trapped in our homes forced to break apart the wooden furniture for firewood and stockpile toilet paper, which will most likely be used as our new form of apocalyptic currency, hence the perforations. It means the masses will flood the grocery stores and empty the shelves of milk and bread. It means people like me will once again post smart ass observations in an attempt to be humorous. I'm trendy.

I love these looming snow predictions. The weather here in the DC region is usually quite mild and dull. But for a few brief days in the winter we can get excited with anticipation of heavy snow. Bring on trivial conversations with strangers on the elevator!  Also, I work for the government, so I'll most likely get the day off.

This town seems particularly preoccupied with getting ahead and winning the game of work. It's a hustle bustle city and far too often its residents forget to relax and take time to appreciate life. A snow day forces us to stay home and do nothing. It's a power we have no control over. Embracing our lack of control is the key to happiness.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014


I feel like one of those people in those commercials where people are sitting at their kitchen tables, usually with one leg propped up, in sweatpants, holding an over-sized cup of coffee, with both hands, while they "work" and smile like they have a secret that the people on the other end of their web cam can't see. I'm not participating in any electronic meetings today, but I am WORKING FROM HOME. (Echo, echo, echo)

I also don't have sweatpants on either. In fact, I should be working instead of writing this post.

Motivation. That's how WORKING FROM HOME finds its way. Here I am sitting at my kitchen table amongst a plethora of household chores that yearn to be done, but I'm being responsible (aside from taking time to write this) and choosing not to clean the things that need cleaning.  I'm also not watching TV. The TV's not even on, which it usual is if I'm home. Like I said, I'm actually WORKING FROM HOME.

So, like I was saying, it's important to stay motivated when you're trusted with WORKING FROM HOME. Maybe I should put some sweatpants on. It's not like I'm going anywhere. Maybe I should make a giant cup of coffee, too. One so heavy I need to use both hands to lift it to my thirsty lips. And later, if I'm up for it, I might prop my leg up and nod approvingly at my WORK.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014


It is my sad duty to inform you that I have to get a root canal. But don't worry about me, I will be okay. I have endured much pain and agony throughout my life. I am a strong man. When I cry, I deny that I'm crying and blame it on my allergies. ("Fucking cats.") When I stub my toe I grunt like a bad ass and then move on with my day. When I drink NyQuil, my face twists into terrible shapes, but then I carry on with nary a complaint.

So take comfort, my friends. I shall overcome this minor, oral setback and bounce back into this toothy world with bright eyes and a positive outlook on life. Right now mere contact with cold liquid in my mouth nearly drops me to my knees, but in the end I will emerge victorious.