Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Warts and All

Is there any way I can get through life not hating the St. Louis Cardinals?  If you're from Chicago, you pretty much have to despise them the moment you emerge from the birth canal without really knowing why.  Same with the Packers. "Daddy, can I wear this green shirt today?" "NO."   It's just fruits and vegetables. Shut up and eat them.  And so here I am 700 miles away, free from the bubble of the Chicagoland area. Or am I...?

It took me 12 years to break up with the abusive Cubs who kept calling me for late night booty calls even though I stood firm that it was over with those losers.  I have a new team now.  The Nationals.  And as I write this game 3 in the first round of the playoffs is under way and my Nats are 5 runs down in the sixth inning.  Fucking Cardinals.  Why won't they go to Hell and die? If there are any Cardinal fans reading this you might want to go get that problem checked out.  I'm thinking there might be some sort of vitamin deficiency or personality disorder afoot.  Or maybe a spider crawled up your nose in the middle of the night and laid eggs high up in your nasal cavity.  The baby spiders have hatched and burrowed deep into your brain, which is the only logical explanation for choosing to be a Cardinals fan.  May I suggest a lobotomy?

Anyhoo, I'm not sure I'll ever recover from this enormous Chicago Bears boil that's been growing on my neck since the mid Eighties.

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