Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Fireman

I need to move through life slower. Not that I'm an overly hyper individual, or a physically fast person. But my brain seems to over-think and over-anticipate things. I tend to perform daily tasks with my eye on completion as fast as possible. I'm always looking toward the end of a task. The other day I was making coffee in my daily fit of get-everything-done-now hour, which comes when I get James home from daycare and I have to walk the dog, feed the dog, feed James, make coffee and lunch for the next day, and bale the hay. Technically, I have all evening to do these things, but I have it in my head that the sooner I get these things done the more time I have to... what? Do what? What am I rushing for? Where the fuck am I going? As my dad would say, "Where's the fire?"  

I have an anxiety problem. It might be a disorder. Self-diagnosis is so in right now. I also might have Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I reckon our grandparents just called it "a bad temper." I think about it all the time. Even when I'm calm and content. I get upset over really stupid things.

Ironically, I might also be over-thinking this. Funny. Somehow my wife still loves me and I still have a handful of friends who still talk to me. I'm lucky. But, like I said, it hit me when I was making coffee the other day: Slow down. I can slow down. I can drive slower. I can walk slower. I can talk slower. No one cares when I get to where ever I'm going. Either the world waits for me, or it doesn't. Mostly it doesn't, but it has nothing to do with what is going on in my pretty little head.

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