This is my obligatory New Years post.
In case you missed it because you were too busy catching up on AMC's hit television show The Walking Dead, or trying to find all the green stars in Nintendo's fantastic video game Super Mario 3D World, it is now the year 2014. Considering this planet has been revolving around the Sun for billions of years, I couldn't care less about arbitrary, man-made calendar labels, but I am looking forward to this fresh new year.
I'm not planning any bachelor parties, or traveling to any weddings, or being launched into space to repair any satellites. This year, I am not your man. This is my 41st year and it's time to unveil my plans for world domination. I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine. I will destroy all obstacles in my path. I will become the boss of you.
You won't see it coming. Suddenly, there you'll be, sitting on your uncomfortable couch watching another rerun of Seth MacFarlane's wildly underrated television show American Dad and the realization will bust into the room like the cops interrupting an awkward sex position your mate talked you into performing. You'll ask yourself, "When did Jason get here?" Or, "When did Jason start kicking ass?" Or, "Honey, I'm leaving you for Jason, because I can no longer resist his awesomeness." Like an asteroid headed for Earth, it's only a matter of time before Michael Bay and Ben Affleck team up to make a movie about me.
Also, I still have all my hair, so I got that going for me, which is nice.