I'm going through a theological/philosophical metamorphosis. In my recent attempts to find and attend a church I have begun to ask the big questions. Below is an excerpt from an email I sent to Joe Portnoy, the most spiritual man I know:
...I have always considered myself a man of science. Within the last twenty years I have lived my life without a belief system. The only form of faith I knew was faith in Lynette and my love for her. I also thought my faith in my friendships and family were strong enough to replace a faith in something bigger than humanity. But as time slowly crept along my friends sadly fell away. The faith I had invested so much of my strength in had dwindled. My family is still present in my life, but even they have problems and issues that tend to get in the way of what is important in life: Love. Plus, 700 miles is a long distance to be from your family. So within the last ten years it has been me and Lynette, floating on our own little island (with the exception of some new friends we made while living out here on the East Coast and some old friends we manged to hang onto). We're still in love and we still find strength in each other, but it has become increasingly difficult to carry on in this world with a positive attitude when I'm constantly surrounded by negativity and hurtful, uncaring people. I'm tired of being cynical. I'm tired of injustice. And I'm tired of trudging through my days without a community.
Of course, attending a Christian church comes with certain caveats, specifically believing that there is a God and that Jesus Christ is his son born via immaculate conception, and resurrected after his crucifixion. No small potatoes.
...I am still struggling with what can only be called "intellectual barriers." And I am unable to interpret the stories of the Bible as nothing more than folklore and fables. Tools used for teaching lessons. Which isn't a bad thing because the lessons are good. How can a belief system that teaches people to be nice to one another be a bad thing? So I also picked up a few books: The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel and The Reason for God by Timothy Keller. I struggle with believing something simply because someone told me it happened. To believe the eyewitness accounts as told in the Bible we have to believe that those witnesses were telling the truth. I'm still struggling with that. How do I get past that?
I have lived my life as a man of science. If I can't touch it, taste it, smell it, or hear it then it isn't real. I put all my faith in the tangible.
... there was a show on Discovery last night about the Big Bang theory. And I found myself laughing because we (men of science) do the same thing when we're told that a certain math equation proves the existence of something - because unless I have the mathematic ability to understand it or solve the math problem myself I am simply believing that the scientists are being truthful with me. I'm taking their word for it that the Big Bang occurred and that all matter began from nothing and that all the matter in the universe was created in less than three minutes and that the universe is expanding. The questions scientists cannot answer is why it occurred. And what existed before it occurred...
So. Looks like I'm trying to wrap my head around some pretty big meatballs. To be honest, I'm merely searching for wisdom. Regardless of it's validity or accuracy or truthiness, I believe I will become a better man for inquiring.
9 comments:
You should also consider that you have faith in yourself, specifically, faith in your ability to rationally approach a problem and arrive at an honest answer, even if that answer is, 'I don't know.' There's nothing wrong with, 'I don't know,' and (for me at least) acknowledging the unknowns in life is part of what makes life exciting. Not everything needs an answer and by trying to create a façade of understanding (whether through religion or science) you cheapen the value of whatever it is you initially admired. For example, a beautiful sunrise is beautiful simply by the nature of its existence – how it came into being is irrelevant and the more we try to understand what makes it beautiful the more likely we are to lose sight of its empirical beauty.
As for the difference between faith in science and faith in religion, the difference for me lies in the idea that science allows for change. Critics of science point to cases where science was flat out wrong as evidence that science is corrupt and cannot be trusted, but what they don’t understand is that science allows for the idea that they are not always right, as opposed to religion which advocates an absolute truth and rarely, if ever, acknowledges any fault in their philosophy. Science can survive mistakes because part of its underlying philosophy is the idea that truth must be constantly pursued. Religion cannot survive mistakes (and therefore does not acknowledge them) because it’s entire existence is based on the idea of an omnipotent being, and if that being is acknowledged to be wrong in one area, then the whole thing falls apart. This is why I am willing to listen to a mathematician who tells me that a formula represents the birth of the universe, because I know that if he’s wrong, someone will eventually call him on it and our knowledge will continue to grow. As for what happened before the big bang, I have no idea, but just because science doesn’t have an answer doesn’t mean we have to fill that hole in our knowledge with religion. I’d rather there be acknowledged gaps in our understanding because those gaps are what inspire us to continue searching for truth. By plugging those gaps with religion we cheapen our understanding of reality and do ourselves a disservice because once those plugs are in, they are very difficult to remove.
I would add this to your list of books to read: http://www.amazon.com/Children-Alley-Novel-Naguib-Mahfouz/dp/0385264739/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272373518&sr=8-2-spell
I think a lot of what Max had to say is really insightful. I'm almost hesitant to post after him because I won't be nearly as eloquent.... But when has that ever stopped me? ;)
When it comes right down to it, it's all a leap of faith--whether we're talking about religious faith or not. That's probably my biggest problem with organized religion. Assuming there is a God (and I've really always believed in some sort of higher being), does he/she really care about people reading/understanding the scriptures and faithfully attending mass every Sunday? I mean, on the one hand, if you, as an individual, gets something positive out of that, then obviously there's good there. But if I'm sitting there the whole time thinking about the run I could be taking, will I go to hell if I start skipping mass? See, I was raised Catholic, and that Catholic guilt is enmeshed in everything! But basically I guess my general belief (which I was unfortunate enough to have to explain to Ella in the middle of Jewel--kid has lousy timing!) is that God (or whatever supreme being you believe in) wants us to be good, to be nice to each other, to treat the planet with respect. But beyond that, I have a hard time falling into line with the idea that prayer and church attendance make the difference between whether you go to "Heaven" or "Hell." I mean, if you're a good person, you're a good person, right? I mean, according to Catholic doctrine, I need to have oodles of kids, so I'm already failing right there. And believe me, it will do the world NO good if I were to have children just to fulfill some billion-year-old tenet about birth control that the Catholic Church dreamt up.
I do think, though, that some faiths do a better job at changing with the times and admitting their mistakes. The Methodist church that my poor, godless children attend with their grandparents is gay friendly and has female ministers. The heresy! (Kidding.) They don't seem to have their nose in everyone's bedrooms. I guess this is a relatively long-winded way of saying that while I do agree with a lot of what Max had to say, I do think it's possible that faith could make that sunrise more beautiful if you looked at it and say your creator at work. It's still not so much about how it came to be as it is about the fact that it is there. And like you ended up concluding in your original post, you don't really have to choose between being a man of science or a man of faith. Both are a leap.
Also, FWIW, I haven't felt that floundering "what does this all mean?" existential conflict since I had the girls. Maybe it's because I'm too busy to CARE what it all means, but I suspect it's mostly because they give my life both meaning and community--even if a lot of days that meaning is just to locate a seasonally appropriate outfit that Sadie deems worthy to wear!
Not suggesting that having babies is neceassily the answer to your musings, but I figured I'd throw that out there. ;)
Don't get me wrong, I believe beauty or what we perceive to be beautiful is scientific. And I believe in the Big Bang. It's what lies behind the curtain I'm more interested in. Your response perfectly describes how I have been thinking for the last twenty years, but I want to go deeper than the equations and the science. I believe in the science. But I feel in my heart that there's more. Recognition and acknowledgment of an unknown at least leaves a possibility of "something." Anyway, it's not the creation myths I'm interested in - it's the philosophy. In my head I am separating the two: the myths and the lessons. I have a hard time believing humans have this level of consciousness by accident. The universe is way too big for our puny, insignificant life forms to have this level of consciousness. Why am I able to ponder these questions when no other creature on Earth can? I know what makes an engine, or what keeps me alive, but I don't know why an engine runs or why I am alive. We have the science to show how a heart beats, but we can't explain why it does.
OR maybe it's not "the unknown" I'm interested in at all. I'm struggling with it, believe me. But I cannot deny the rush of positive energy I get when I'm surrounded by churchfolk. I can't speak for the Catholics, but I attended a church last week that was full of gay/lesbian and interracial couples. There's no denying that for "church" welcoming them is definitely a sign of change in the way some Christian groups are doing things. Regarding being good and kind to each other and the planet, no one can convince me that humans don't need more of that. Starting with me first. On a personal level, this Christian philosophy/mythos is helping me be a better person. I know the power was in me the whole time, but this thing (whatever we call it) is like a tool of inspiration. In the end, I don't care how the world was made, I only care about getting people to be nicer to one another.
On a personal level, this Christian philosophy/mythos is helping me be a better person.
Then you really have the answer you were looking for, don't you? Embrace it!
As far as everyone being nicer to each other goes, we probably all need to spend a few days in kindergarten again. Multiple time-outs might be just what we need to get our collective acts together!
In response to Max's statement about religion's unwillingness to admit mistakes or advocate change:
"The Catholic Church teaches "theistic evolution," which accepts evolution as scientific theory. Proponents see no reason why God could not have used an evolutionary process in forming the human species."
(I had to delete and repost due to spelling error, sorry :-)
Even if you don't figure out the big questions in life - like you wrote me yesterday, I'm glad you're having fun trying. I realize it's your nature to look for deeper meaning in things, but with that said...I have to agree with Nat...that you already found your answer. And you're a better person for it. Yes, you're the Christian with a 1,000 questions, but who isn't? Blindly believing only leaves you unprepared. I think. I really don't know. I'm also not really worried about diagraming each sentence of the bible. I know I am a good person. What you seek you already have. (I just made that up, but I think it works.)
I'd use the philosophy/mythos as a tool to excercise the good in you. Afterall, you're one of the nicest people I've ever met. So, it shouldn't be too hard. :-)
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