#1 – Engage in romantic love.
Offerman, a self-proclaimed “sappy, romantic lover,” spoke of the importance of snagging yourself a mate and letting yourself fall in love. Offerman spoke incredibly highly of his wife, “the crazy Jug Festival that is Megan Mullally,” who he’s been married to for 12 years.
“As a Hollywood couple, you’d expect us to be heading down to the Whiskey-A-Go-Go with the Sheen family or shooting up with the Kardashian clan,” Offerman said.
Instead, the couple enjoys staying home, watching HGTV, completing jigsaw puzzles, and “doing a shitload of cocaine while we puzzle for days.” Offerman says that you’ve got to make love a priority in your life. If you put your acting job above your relationship, even if you win an Oscar, he can tell you from experience “an Oscar is not a comfortable sexual partner, no matter which way you stick it.”
#2 – Say please and thank you.
“I don’t care if you’re a network executive or a fan of Two and a Half Men, the lowest, we are all equal brothers and sisters” said Offerman, who also placed Hitler and Jerry Gergich at the bottom rung of life.
#3 – Carry a handkerchief.
“My dad always told me to wear a clean, white t-shirt everyday and always carry a handkerchief,” to which young Nick would reply, “Dad, I’m not gonna wear a white t-shirt everyday ‘cause it looks more bitchin’ to have a little chest bush exposed…sir.”
Offerman then pulled out his handkerchief (rose petals in a field of taupe), and played, well, the only handkerchief song I’ve ever heard. According to him, you can use them for anything from wiping down prints during a B&E to wiping ejaculate from your chin.
#4 – Eat red meat.
#5 – Get a hobby.
“Hobby is an unfortunate word, like underpants, Mitt, and Romney, for something that can have such a profound impact on one’s life.”
If you’re a fan of Parks and Rec, you’re already aware of Ron’s woodworking skills. In his real life, Offerman has an actual woodshop where he builds furniture and canoes. He sees woodworking not as a nerdy hobby, but a sexy one (as he proceeded to strike a few seductive poses for the audience): “If you’re looking for a mate, would you rather find someone who’s amazing at playing Angry Birds or would you like someone who knitted the garment they’re wearing?”
Offerman, who’s no fan of social networks and smart phones, reached out to everyone to put down their iPhones, stop Googling Steve Guttenberg, and pick up a real hobby: “We’re dealing with fake people in a fake world and we’re losing the ability to look people in the eyes and communicate.” He then added, “P.S. There’s someone imitating me on Twitter right now. If any of you are Twitter champions, if that exists, find them and f’ing chop their head off.”
#6 – Go outside. Remain.
#7 – Avoid the mirror.
“We look at ourselves and we see the Gulf between what might as well be an animated erotic cartoon and your beautiful, natural form.”
Offerman’s sensitive side came out yet again when he went on to say that you don’t need to look like a magazine cut-out in order to be beautiful.
“If you have a nose, you’re f’ing beautiful,” he proclaimed. “If you have a big nose, you’re super extra beautiful.”
Praising the Tulane student who created yarndress.com, Offerman also asked the audience to help him turn the tide against the unfair and painful custom of women wearing high-heeled shoes.
#8 – Maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ…if it’s getting you sex.
#9 – Use intoxicants
Offerman is a big believer in rewarding yourself after hard work. When he’s done making a boat and he’s achy and covered in sawdust, “that first ice cold beer is like the jizz of the Lord, which, if you follow my metaphor, I’m assuming that the semen of God would be an incredibly delicious beverage.”
Clearly a fan of various, beautiful intoxicants, Nick also urged everyone to just be smart about partaking in such activities and create a sphere of safety: “These things can bring beauty and joy into our lives, but just like religion, the opiate of the masses, you can use them like an asshole and ruin them for the rest of us who just wanted to get high, go outside, and look at a maple leaf.”
He closed out the 9th life tip with his own version of Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take The Wheel.” However, the Nick Offerman rendition, unlike the original, is less about the power of God and more about getting high in your car with Jesus himself.
#10 – Paddle your own canoe.
Live life for yourself. Better yourself. Succeed. Don’t be like Jerry. Jesus Christ, whatever you do, don’t be like Jerry.
Offerman concluded his 2-hour set with one of the most beautiful things that my eyes and ears have ever experienced: Ron Swanson performing “5,000 Candles In The Wind” backed by a packed auditorium. So many tears were shed that night.
Bye, bye Lil’ Sebastian.
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